At a Loss for Words

Two posts in less than 24 hours. I know, right?

I’ve been thinking about words today. Words...language...communication...expression. All of those things have immeasurable worth to me. I am a teacher by trade, and clear communication is essential. I taught English for four years. When I got my first teaching job, I was told that part of the reason was because I was very articulate. Apart from my profession, I’m an avid reader and a good writer. Words...kind of a big deal.

Recently I’ve been exploring some tough issues with my counselor. It’s been a laborious battle, and one that I would often rather not fight. I feel weak and weary, and a bit lost. It’s changed my perception of my closest relationships and also my perception of who I am. It is both helpful and heartrending, all at the same time. There is no suitable metaphor, except to say that most days I feel as if I walk into her office, sit on the couch, and open a vein. Just when I think I’ve (mercifully) bled out, I find that there’s still much, much more blood that needs to be spilled. It feels never ending. It isn’t never ending, but it feels that way.

I’m lucky to be a person blessed with quality friends. Most of them live far away, but that’s okay because their love and support transcends distance, time, busy schedules, etc. However, I’m finding it hard to accurately communicate to them the current state of my soul. I don’t have the language skills that I need in order to describe where I’m at. This predicament is foreign to me, to be honest. I’m a talker. I’m a writer. I’m a former English teacher, for crying out loud! What is wrong with me?!?

As I pondered this today, I started to see some ways in which I have used my capable language skills to manipulate my own emotions. I use words to numb my soul against realities that seem too harsh for me to bear. When something hurtful happens to me, my inner monologue switches over to denial: “You’re okay. This isn’t a big deal. In a couple days, you’ll be so used to this that you won’t even think about it. You can’t change it, so why think about it? Why let it bother you? Much better to soldier on. Put on your big girl pants. No crying allowed. You’re going to be fine.” I’ve used my own words to shut down my emotions, which is harmful.

So these words that have been used to stunt so much growth in my life are now failing me. Is it any wonder? I can’t articulate my needs because I’ve never felt needs before. (Needs? What needs? I’m fine! Nothing to see here! Absolutely fine!) In short, I’m a bit like a toddler whose language has been limited to six utterances and must point and grunt for most of the desires of her heart. This realization is humbling on so many levels. Not only because this English teacher can’t communicate, but also because I’m beginning to see that this tough girl has longings only others can fill. No longer can I live on my island of one. I struggle. I hurt. I need.

I know that eventually the Lord is going to expand my vocabulary, so to speak. I’m going to grow into a person who can clearly articulate what I need in order to feel healthy and whole. In the mean time, many of you will have to endure my toddler-like whimpering that indicates a loss for words. Like I said: I struggle. I hurt. I need. I am exceedingly grateful for those who are hanging with me as I learn the language.