I'm working on my Master's degree. It's something that I've needed to do for a while, and my current position as a teacher of gifted students is forcing the issue. In order to teach gifted classes, one needs a special certification. Since I don't have that certification, I have to go back to school to get it. When I took the job, I was actually quite relieved to be forced to go back to school. I knew I needed to get my Master's done, but I wasn't sure what I wanted to study. This job narrowed my choices to one, which was a relief.
Once the decision was made, I put the pedal to the metal. I started working on my courses last July, and just a year later I have 21 hours of credit. While earning those 21 hours, I worked full-time in a brand new job. Back in March I was filling out a form and I was able to check two boxes: one under "full-time student" and the other under "employed full-time". That was the point when I began to question my sanity.
The beginning of every semester is a stressful time for me because it's when the syllabus is distributed. In my eyes, the syllabus is life and death condensed into document form. The ISTJ in me loves having anything resembling a schedule or list, and a syllabus is exactly that: a list of things we will be doing in class, a list of due dates, a list of things I need to complete in order to earn an A. At the same time, the syllabus intimidates me. I see all of the work I'll be completing, and I mentally start to highlight the ways in which I don't measure up. I'm too busy to do this. I'm not a good enough teacher to complete my own work and care for my students. I can't be a good wife and student at the same time.
But mostly, I hear this: I'm not smart enough. I'm not smart enough. I'm not smart enough. This is going to be the class that defeats me; the one in which it is revealed to everyone that I'm actually pretty stupid. I'll get a bad grade, and everyone will know what I've known all along.
This semester I'm taking my research course. By the end of November, I will have designed and submitted a three chapter proposal for a research study. It will be about 30 pages long. Essentially, it's the first half of my dissertation. Right now, I have no idea how I'm going to get this done. I'm intimidated as hell.
This blog post isn't one with a tidy little ending. I'm not to the point where I can say it's all going to be all right. It probably will be, but I don't feel that way yet. Right now I'm living in the doubt. Maybe I'm smart enough. Maybe I'm not.
Maybe I should stop blogging and start doing my homework. Maybe.
